i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
