It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
