just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
