I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
