3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
