Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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