she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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