So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize