The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you will always have a special place in my vag
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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