Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
