So drunk its hurt
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
