What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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