3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
my shit smells like andre
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Randomize
