Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize