I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
