Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
