I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
