I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
from now on my penis is your penis
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
