my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
