WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
