Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
