God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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