Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
