Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
