Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Randomize
