haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
