i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
drinking out of a sandbucket again
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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