either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
