so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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