so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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