I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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