I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
