paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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