the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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