I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
