I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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