Who wears a wallet chain?!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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