I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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