who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
