he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
