you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
