Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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