Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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