this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
