TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
