I CAN MOONWALK!
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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