The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
My feet surprised me
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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