doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
