do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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