I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
