my vag is so smooth its legendary
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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