So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
