theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
