not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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