i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
